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How does a boy learn to be a man? A man learns masculinity primarily from his father. But generations of boys who grow up without caring fathers or male mentors to emulate are left to guess what "men" are really like. They rely on cultural icons--larger-than-life images--as models of masculinity. As a result, they grow up mirroring overblown myths of manhood. Obsessed with being "man enough," they become philanderers, controllers, and competitors--constantly overcompensating for their loss of a true role model, yet sorely unprepared for family life. In Man Enough, psychiatrist and family therapist Frank Pittman explores what it is like to grow up male today. With great poignancy, humor, and candor, he weaves together case studies from his practice, examples from literature and films, plus personal vignettes from his own experiences as a father to examine these hyper-masculine men and to illustrate how they developed and how they can change. Dr. Pittman asserts that men can move past proving their masculinity and start practicing it by striving with the other guys rather than against them, achieving equality and intimacy with their mates--and by fathering. A man raises himself as he raises children and learns to understand and forgive his parents as he becomes one. An important book for men "and" women, Man Enough offers a new approach to issues of commitment, caring and control and creates a positive model for the fathers of tomorrow's men.
- Published on: 2004-05-12
- Binding: Paperback
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A PSYCHIATRIST AND MAGAZINE COLUMNIST EXAMINES THE “MASCULINE MYSTIQUE”
By Steven H Propp
Frank Smith Pittman, M.D. (1935-2012) was an American psychiatrist, who wrote a regular column, "Ask Dr. Frank", which appeared in ‘Psychology Today’; he also wrote a monthly advice column for ‘New Woman’ magazine. He wrote other books such as Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy, Grow Up!: How Taking Responsibility Can Make You A Happy Adult, etc. [NOTE: page numbers below refer to the 287-page hardcover edition.]
He wrote in the Introduction to this 1993 book, “A few men without models turn out to be tycoons, but most turn out to be streetfighters, and there is not a whole lot of difference. Neither may be fit for family life. Men fight for turf and wrestle for control over people and things, whether through war, armed robbery, or corporate takeovers. They are trying to feel like men, but no matter what they do, they never seem to feel ‘man enough.’” (Pg. 14)
He asserts, “When we see men overdoing their masculinity, we can assume that they haven’t been raised by men, that they have taken cultural stereotypes literally, and that they are scared they aren’t being manly enough. They are in the throes of the masculine mystique. Why do men love their masculinity so much? Because men have been trained to sacrifice their lives for their masculinity, and men always know they are far less masculine than they think they should be… In order for men, women, and society to come to grips with the toxic levels of masculinity we continually witness, we need to understand how men become men; not only how they develop their masculinity, but also how they can get carried away with the masculine mystique.” (Pg. 16-17)
He continues, “The struggle to be a man that is presented here is not a clinical oddity: it is the norm. It is, of course, my own struggle as much as it is any man’s, so much of the book is my often embarrassing autobiography. The men in this book come not only from my family and my life, but from the lives of the men I have seen in my practice over the past thirty years, men under the sway of the ‘masculine mystique,’ men who try to be ‘man enough’ to win the love of women and the acceptance of men… but who overdo their approximation of masculinity in a way that can become pathological.” (Pg. 20-21)
He points out, “Ultimately, we’re not going to raise a better class of men until we have a better class of fathers, fathers who don’t run out on the job. Our fathers didn’t teach us how to live with our masculinity, and our mothers and our wives, no matter how hard they try, can’t do it, either. So even if we remain terrified of women, we have to stop blaming them for what we’ve become, and stop expecting them to fix us.” (Pg. 44)
He says of Robert Bly [of the Mythopoetic Men’s Movement]: “Robert Bly is an heroic figure, symbolizing the father so few of us had, but he can’t be the father of us all, or even our personal mentor. I’m with Bly in believing that, in the absence of fathers, what the world needs is not more distant mothers or more subservient wives but a better class of male mentors, something each of us can do for one another. While Bly calls it the ‘male mother,’ what he is striving for is a more nurturing model of masculinity.” (Pg. 136)
He argues, “It takes the fulfillment of all those relationships for a boy to become a man who is able to live in peace and cooperation with his community and to give something back to his family. But if there is a failure in the father-son bonding, the rest of the boy’s tasks will be distorted. If his father has abandoned his mother, he may find her impossible to satisfy and leave. The unanointed boy is likely to feel shame or distrust with the other boys and shrink away from their brotherhood or compete with them too fiercely. If his Father Hunger is too intense, he may choose unattainable heroes and take them far too literally. Without father, he may never become a man.” (Pg. 142)
He admits, “Male friendships are not like female friendships; men are not as likely to have confidants as they are to have playmates… Men can silently assume that we have all been through the same ordeals and we all feel pretty much the same about everything. Being together and not having to talk about it is wonderfully comfortable… But sometimes there is something that a man needs to reveal, need to talk over with another man, and there may be no man available to him. Sometimes, manhood is lonely.” (Pg. 178)
In the last chapter, he observes, “There is a strangely pervasive fear of being a father. We might call it patriphobia.’ Patriphobia takes a variety of forms… These men want to be their own pampered child, or that of some woman, but they don’t want to grow up. They think they will have a happier life if they refuse to develop any further… they have a full-time job not growing up… the problem with patriphobic men lies not with the women he escapes or the children he abandons but with his relationship with his own father, who left him with the feeling that being a father is a burden.” (Pg. 250-251) But he adds, “As I look at the young men coming into manhood now, I see many patriphobic guys running from fathering, but I also see the ones who are willing to risk equality with a woman. They end up being hands-on fathers in a way that was rare in my generation and even rare among the baby boomers… The trend is clear: the boys who got fathered want to be fathers, and the boys who didn’t get it fear it.” (Pg. 253)
This book [admittedly written during the cresting of the Mythopoetic Men’s Movement of the 1980s and 1990s] will be of great interest to anyone studying the relationship of men and their fathers, and the social consequences it has.
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